The topic of grief reveals a strange paradox in our society. Everyone, without exception, will experience grief — at least a few times. Yet, precious few of us talk openly about this shared reality. Loss makes almost everyone uncomfortable and this reinforces a culture in which dealing with death remains mostly unexamined. Needless to say, we could all benefit from a greater understanding of loss and mourning. This could begin by identifying the causes and stages of grief
Common Sources of Grief
The death of a loved one would probably come first to our minds — for good reason. It can be devastating and very difficult to revere from. However, there are several other common causes of mourning. Here are a few, both concrete and more abstract:
Losing your job
Getting separated or divorced
The end of a friendship
Loss of a beloved pet
Relocation
Illness or injury (for yourself or someone close to you)
Not attaining a personal dream or goal
The end of a career (upon retirement)
More abstractly, you may mourn losing your youth, innocence, trust, safety, identity, or the approval of those who matter to you.
We mourn these losses as a way to process profound changes. This process can have a palpable impact on both our mind and body. Bereavement is a necessary part of grief and, if it proceeds at pace, will run through five stages.
The Five Stages of Grief
This is not a linear process but rather, an outline of what we may expect to feel.
1. Denial
“This can’t be happening.” Denial is a universal coping mechanism that allows our brains to catch up with reality. We may choose to mask the pain with disbelief and then, isolation.
2. Anger
Denial starts to ebb but the pain and loss remain. This can lead to a feeling of genuine anger and/or resentment. We’re mad at the world. We may even resent the person who has died for leaving us.
3. Bargaining
Here is where the “if only” statements become the norm. We imagine we wouldn’t be in this painful situation if only we had done things differently. Inevitably, bargaining blends with guilt for as long as we believe ourselves to be at fault.
4. Depression
Technically, one form of depression can begin if we have advance warning of a loss. We grow depressed as we ponder the looming grief. More deeply, the depression sets in after the denial, anger, and “if only” have begun to run their course.
5. Acceptance
Acceptance is a wonderful gift but it’s not a promise. Some losses are so shocking and sudden that we can only hope for partial acceptance. During this stage, we’re not happy but we’ve begun to escape the clutches of depression. We’re calmer and more practical in our perceptions.
When Grief Becomes Complicated
Sometimes, you cannot move through the stages and instead feel stuck. This is called “complicated grief” and it manifests in signs and symptoms like:
Being unable to focus on anything except the loss
Extreme avoidance of reminders of the loss
Feeling numb or detached
Feeling bitter, distrusting, or angry
Having trouble enjoying activities you once loved
Those of us experiencing complicated grief become isolated, neglect daily duties and responsibilities, and perhaps ruminate on morbid or suicidal feelings. Grief should never be a solo act. Humans are social animals and this process may be the deepest proof of that fact. We need support. We deserve help.
If you’ve suffered an intense loss, it makes sense to seek professional guidance. It can help prevent your grief from becoming complicated. If you’ve already reached that point, you can find peace, healing, and recovery in a therapy setting. Please contact me soon for a consultation.
