“The Four Horsemen”: Are These Behaviours Coming Between You and Your Partner?
It would be impossible to list all the wonderful reasons why you and your partner are so bonded. The same is mostly true for the behaviours that come between you and your spouse. There are, however, four general characteristics that can threaten any relationship. These four behaviours are both very common and very ominous. So much so, that renowned relationship expert, John Gottman, bequeathed them an equally sinister nickname: “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” He is talking about, of course, these relationship destroyers: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.
The Four Horsemen in Action
Conflict is normal, inevitable, and often inspires growth. How each of you deals with conflict is where the Gottman’s horsemen come into play.
Criticism
Constructive feedback and/or casual complaining are not the concern. Differences in opinion and perspective are natural. The criticism Gottman discusses is more absolute and damaging. It occurs when one partner passes harsh judgment on the other’s character. It also includes lots of “always” and “never” statements. Criticism, in a vacuum, is not automatically negative. But it can doom a relationship when it is presented as an objective truth rather than merely one person’s opinion.
Contempt
You might describe contempt as criticism on steroids. There is an air of moral superiority as one partner (blatantly or subtly) looks down upon the other. Contempt spawns meanness, ridicule, and cruelty. It is toxic to any connection and has also been found to negatively impact the mental and physical health of the partner being targeted. Again, contempt is not evil in a big picture sense but it has no place within a loving, one-on-one partnership.
Defensiveness
The two Horsemen detailed above have many predictable and detrimental outcomes. One example is defensiveness. A human can only handle so much negative treatment before they develop defence mechanisms. This is understandable. No one should have to tolerate abuse. But what about when one partner uses defensiveness as a tool of manipulation? The defensiveness highlighted here is the kind used to avoid responsibilities for the times when accountability is required.
Stonewalling
Chalk this up as an inevitable diversion tactic cultivated by the climate created by criticism, contempt, and/or defensiveness. One or both partners shut down. The lines of communication go dead — except for sarcasm or passive-aggressive gestures. The couple is tuning out, pretending to be “too busy,” or evading by others means. Once again, this is not meant to imply that anyone must respond to or give credence to abuse. Rather, stonewalling is fully unacceptable when performed by a position of contempt. It’s as if one of you has mounted the high horse and refusing to acknowledge reality. In fact, folks preferring to alter the gendered tone of this list would be quite accurate in deeming it the “Four High Horses.”
Some Small Steps You Can Take Now
Couples who recognise such patterns taking hold can and must commit together to change. A big part of this is refining communication. It may involve checking tone, body language, and timing. Some other small steps you can take together in that realm include:
Use “I” statements
Learning how to give genuine apologies
Expressing gratitude as often as possible
Setting, enforcing and respecting boundaries
One Giant Leap For Your Relationship
An odd quirk of the Four Horsemen is that they can sneak up on you. Left unaddressed, these characteristics can behave like malware on your computer. But the time you identify it, you need to call in a professional. Couples counselling can become your safe space where you get down from your high horses and begin accepting responsibility for your words and actions. The Four Horsemen do not have to mean the “apocalypse” is near. With trust, honesty, and hard work, you and your partner can heal and rebuild.